I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
