I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Randomize
