My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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