She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
