Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
