Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
