Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
