Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
