woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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