just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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