is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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