Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Randomize
