i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
