i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
