Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
