yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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