I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
