now i know why i became what i already was.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
