You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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