Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
