Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
