Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
