Can i not drive my cunt home
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
