Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
