Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
