my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
