Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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