sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
