Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Randomize
