why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
