i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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