I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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