Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
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I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
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i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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