First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
