I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
