honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
