fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
