rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
