Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
