I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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