yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
