Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
