just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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