You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
