Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
