I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
