fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
should my penis look like a turkey
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
