Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
