I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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