My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
