Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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