Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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