Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
