... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
