batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
