she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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