why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
