Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
