My friends, they love my intelligence
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
