every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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